Nepal: The Final Thoughts

When I came to Nepal I had a really bad attitude. I was hormonal, tired, and cranky. It was hot, humid, dirty, and there were spiders. So many freaking spiders. Enough that I couldn't sleep at night. The air pollution is so bad that everyone has respiratory problems, I developed a cold quickly and so many had lice and parasites. I was terrified and upset about the trekking we were going to do and wasn't happy that we were sleeping on concrete floors in the cold rain. There were days when all I wanted to do was go home. I had decided I hated Nepal and never wanted to come back. I knew and could see how bad my attitude was and I didn't know why I was feeling so upset and frustrated. I felt bad for feeling so negative but I didn't know how to change it. 

Well, I changed. My group was a main factor. There were 50 people who came to Nepal, a huge group. They broke us into 3 smaller groups and I was so incredibly blessed by my group. Each person added so much and we had the most kind hearted leader. My group was so upbeat, positive, funny and encouraging. We laughed at our homeless encampment, joked about the spider eating child, they protected me from the real spiders, we ate together, hiked together, cried together, truly it was a blessing. They were so patient with me on the hike and just so incredible. 

So now I sit here on the plane and I want so desperately to fully process the last weeks of my experience but I think open weeping may not be accepted in this very small environment. The last week of the program has done it again, it's tugged on my inner soul but in a different way.
Being at Raksha has been an enlightening experience. Before Nepal I knew nothing about sexual trafficking and abuse. I had no idea what was going on in Nepal and frankly all over the world. I lived in my ignorance bubble.
The most shocking experience and the one that ripped my heart was going through the massage parlors. I touched on how as we ascended the stairs into these deeply dark establishments all hope and life was sucked from the room and my soul. Evil filled the darkness in a way I've never experienced.

In these small makeshift rooms women are sexually assaulted and abused. Listening to them talk and tell their stories was heart wrenching. Watching their tears fall knowing that there were countless women in these circumstances was too much too process.

Knowing there are so many men who come to these places and take advantage of these women made me feel ill. But then going back to the shelter and seeing all the girls who have been raped and abused was the real kicker. Little tiny innocent children. 

Four year olds. Four year olds! I want to cry and scream and punch all at the same time. How can a grandfather rape his own grandchild because he is mad at his daughter for marrying outside her class? How can a stranger lurk in the forest and kidnap a girl on her way to school? A teacher raping his student? A group of men grabbing a young girl and gang raping her? A brother forcing himself on his sister and leaving her pregnant? 

The level of.... I don't even know. I don't know how to process the stories I heard. I don't know how to process the emotions I feel. But you know what I do know? I know the girls at Raksha are some of the kindest and most well behaved girls I've ever met. They look out for one another. They smile. They laugh. They serve each other. They love. These girls are an inspiration to every volunteer. Sitting in prayer room with them and listening to them pray, meditate and do affirmations was a beacon of hope. 

I'm struggling a lot with coming back to America. I recognize that I have a life to live there but how can the world be so vastly unfair?
How do I cope with my cush life? Im struggling listening to people around me talk about their 'problems'. I'm struggling to feel sympathy for those minute things that seem to control our lives- things that aren't even important at all. But I also know that when I come back, I too will fall back into my life. I'll complain about the internet not being fast enough, I'll murmur at my job, I'll whine it's warm outside... so where's the balance? How do I remember and feel all the feels of Nepal but live in America in such blessed circumstances? Is there more I could and should be doing? Sometimes I think so. But I also know that I have the power to educate and change 30 young minds each year in my classroom. I can share my experiences and inform others. I can keep donating and supporting people like Menuka who have the power to make change. I can live on less and give more. I can continue to ground myself in service. 

But part of me will always sob when I think of these women, the thousands who are being abused for simply being women. It makes me angry at America for sexualizing women so much. It makes me sad that our TV and movies and riddled with sex and a sexually driven culture. It makes me upset that we don't respect ourselves more. It makes me ill that women all over the world are being trafficked and abused. 

I'm scared to go home and get back into the grind of life. I'm scared of my friends asking me about my experience because I'm not sure how to share yet. But mostly I'm scared of forgetting and falling back into my life. I need to remember. I need to keep these feelings, these raw feelings, I need to remember the smiles and playful giggles of the girls. I need to remember that we can always do more. We can always be a little kinder. We can always do a little more service. We can make changes. We can be an example for good. We can and we need to.

I hope that you will consider your own life and all that you have to be grateful for. I hope that if you have extra to give you will consider one of the many great organizations I have worked with. Raksha Nepal is an incredible organization that needs help financially and will do good with all that you give. You can donate through help international and I know that those funds will go to a great cause. I'm inspired by the women there and I know we can work together to continue progress. To make the world a better place a little at a time.