A Look Back

One year.

A lot can happen in one year.

A lot.

So much change. So much growth. So much life.

Really though, years pass by and you are given so many moments. So many moments to change your path, to make mistakes, to help people, to learn, to make your life the way you want it. So many moments to mess up or to fix. There is just a lot that happens in a year.

The last year of my life has been a huge one for me. My life was literally changed 100% in almost every aspect. 

I haven't taken time to really dwell on it because it's been happening so fast. So today, marks a year (okay 3 days short) of an event that changed my life forever. It literally spun me around and put me on an entirely different path. I've never written about it, few know the truth and details of the day, so this post is going to be very personal. It's for myself but I believe in learning from others. 

November 3, 2013 is the day that changed my life. 

Before this day I was married. This is already a shock to some because many people who have met me since this day don't know this fact about me. Yes, I was married. 

The back story to this day:

I was not happily married and at this point I was in counseling doing everything in my power to save the small threads of my marriage that still clung together. I had been married for 11 days shy of four years. We were different from the start, so different. There were huge factors that we should have taken into account but didn't. This is lesson 1: it's never too late. I don't care if you are walking down the isle you can still turn around. You won't think so when everyone is sitting there and you are in your dress all done up, but listen to me you can. 

Moving on. 

At about year two of marriage the first mention of divorce appeared but it was something he didn't want and I wanted to work on. Tensions were high but at the same time we could get along just fine and continued to live our lives, for the most part, happily.

The next two years are a blur and I'm not sure really how to explain it to anyone who wasn't there or witnessing what happen. Little things become bigger issues, big things becomes giant problems, arguments happen but surprisingly never yelling or mean fights. Communication ceases, trust falls apart, lies creep in, job hours lengthen, stories become elaborate and at this point remembering back I cannot distinguish between what was truth and what was fabricated. 

Now it's never a one sides story. I'm hard to live with and I know it. I'm emotional and cranky. I can be mean and impatient.   We all have our downsides and things we can work on and I'm very aware that it takes two to tango. 

Fast forward to April 2013. We move to Oxnard, CA into a beach town with perfect weather, a Cafe Rio, a dollar theater and our cute puppy. The search for another dog continues. We both make commutes and he continues to work terrible hours. Days pass on until one morning while in the kitchen he tells me he wants a divorce.

We are religious people and I suggest we go and talk with our bishop and see if we can work things out. 

Counseling starts. Communication still ceases. 

Lesson 2: communication is vital. You cannot be in a healthy relationship if one person refuses to communicate with the other. It will never work. Ever.

Counseling therefore was incredibly difficult. He refused to participate and had a very poor attitude about it. Trying to do any aspect the counselor suggested was like pulling teeth. He got more distant. More protective. More off.

I remember talking to my bishop trying to explain how weird of a situation this was because it's not the man I knew, infact it was so weird and so unusual I wasn't sure what was happening. I even remember saying he could be cheating bc the behavior was so far fetched. 

Lesson 3: Keep your eyes open and trust your gut. If you are normally of sound mind and you think or even suspect of the slightest bit that cheating is involved, or that something is seriously wrong, it probably is. When work hours turn later, when communication ceases, when phones become password protected, when weird stories and distant behavior starts.... Question it. 

Counseling continues. We get a new dog which I look at as hope and a positive renewal of our "family". Turns out that was false he had been planning to leave me for weeks and was just waiting til our contract was up.

Back to our story:

November 3, 2014

It was early morning and I was up and about working on some photography projects. We had recently done a shoot and the address I needed to send the photos was in his phone. Being early I quietly went into the room, got the phone, realized it was password protected so I asked him what it was and went back into the kitchen to write down the address. 

At that point he comes flying out of the room and demands his phone back going as far as grabbing my hands to get it. Obviously I knew at this point that something was very wrong. 

While I held the phone in a death grip and he tried to remove it from my hands he then proclaimed his hate for me and that he wanted a divorce. Literally, out of thin air. He'd never said a word before and then bam bam bam. 

I then found the text messages. 

The messages that were sent to another woman. The pictures. The little kisses and love words. The travel plans being made. The works. 

I never thought he was capable of it. I didn't know it was happening- although like I said if you question something go with your gut. People lie and some are good at it. 

My world changed. My life changed. 

He finally declared his great desire for a divorce and I found out he had been cheating and for awhile. 

I remember it as clearly as if it happened this morning. Minutes after I still asked him if we could continue counseling and try to work on it. No. I asked him if he was 100% sure that this is what he wanted. Yes. I remember asking that question multiple times and he was done.  Wanted nothing else to do with me. 

That was it. That morning everything I knew was gone. And in the midst of it all I felt relief. Sadness. Heartbreak. Failure. Pain. Mistrust. Anger. But relief. 

I texted my mom happy birthday and I'm getting a divorce. Explained the situation and on life went.

Lesson 4: don't be afraid to do things for the fear of letting people down. I was terrified to get a divorce bc of what people would think and how they would accept it. I didn't want to let my parents down and have that stain on my life, their life. But guess what people, life still goes on and they still love you. 

More change. 

A week later I had researched a company to travel with and had applied to spend the summer in Fiji. 

Within the month I had started tossing the idea around of taking a full year off and doing a teaching job in another part of the world. 

I mean it's not everyday you get a second chance on life. Before this I was going to buy a house and have kids. Now I was single. Which is a whole new world full of confusion and emotions and new chances so why not jump on them. 

My lease was ending in May and I had nothing to hold me back. I knew I wouldn't have this opportunity again so I applied. I was accepted.

I still had a lease on my apartment and now life living alone had to commence. This is huge. I have anxiety about living and being alone and I lived in a sketch neighborhood. Going from having someone there all the time to being alone all the time is a huge change. Especially when it's one of your biggest fears. However, this year I learned to live alone. I learned to sleep alone. I learned to not be fully paranoid. I learned to walk in the dark. I learned to care for my two dogs solo. It was a huge change. 

My photography business shut down. When you work with your husband and then you no longer have one. That changes things. This was a huge change too. 

Then you realize you are single and the whole dating thing.... It really stinks. However I found someone amazing. While it was long distance, it was worth it. 

My life was consumed with weekends away and romance. My heart learned to love again and hope.

My fifth grade class graduated. I sent them onto middle school and the day school ended I got on a plane to Fiji. 

My relationship ended and once again my life was changed and my heart was broken. I chose my dreams over my guy and I still question the decision but I know it was right. 

My best friends got pregnant. One experienced a painful miscarriage. One delivered a heathy baby. One is currently growing a baby girl. I learned what it feels like to enter the 'everyone I know is pregnant' phase of life and I don't like this phase. I'm thrilled for them but it is a constant reminder to my failure in life and a constant feeling of sadness. 

My sister got separated. 

My dad retired and continued his surfing life. 

I spent a summer living in Fiji serving others and helping children. Creating new friendships and learning about a culture that loves people and happiness. 

From Fiji I traveled a week alone island hopping. I learned more about myself and breaking from my painfull shy exterior than I ever have before. I met tons of people, swam with mantarays, explored caves, walked beaches people only dream of going to. 

Then I moved to Europe. I traveled to 12 more countires and taught 3 different classes. And now I am currently in Budapest. 

In 2 months I will live in China.

A lot can happen in a year. 

A divorce.

Moving. 

Ending a career. 

Pregnancies. 

Miscarriages.

Retirement.

A new relationship.

Breaking up. 

A summer abroad.

Leaving work.

Teaching in Europe.

Traveling the world.

What will next year hold? Right now I'm unsure but I know 2015 will be everything I make it.